Yesterday, something exciting happened.
An actually it was decided the night before. You see on Wednesday night, I was not in a good mental place and I joked that I wanted to go to the seaside, mainly to get away from these four walls, but my partner was like “why not?”. So at 4am on Thursday morning, we were all getting ready to race the sunrise to the coast.
We (referring to my sister, Hannah, my partner, Matthew, and my son, Reuben) were all pretty excited by this little rather impromptu adventure we were going on. I couldn’t believe my luck though. I haven’t been to the seaside since August 2017 and I’ve barely left Leeds in what feels like forever. The main reason for wanting to go to Bridlington was because I had it in my head that it would make me feel closer to my Nana, with all those memories, and that I’d feel more at peace.
At the city streets, turned to the familiar country roads, I felt a sense of ease. Memories of listening to Ronan Keating in the car with my Nana flooded my mind as we drove through the little sleepy seaside villages. I felt so much thankfulness in my heart that I was getting the opportunity to do this. There are many times I look at Matthew and think “how lucky am I?” but yesterday, I thought that so often.
Unfortunately, the sun kept the sunrise on the low down. The cloudy sky meant it just got light, albeit many shades of grey, and it was raining a lot. But in seeing the sea, I was happy. The ocean always makes me feel better. I know this isn’t an uncommon reaction, but it’s one worth mentioning.
Matthew wanted to nap as we waited for the town to open up it’s doors, so Hannah and I bundled Reuben out into the pram, thinking it would be a fantastic idea to have an early morning stroll by the shore.
Wrong. It was blistering cold. Raining. I had forgotten the raincover to Reuben’s pram. Fail. Terrible. Cold. Very, very cold. But still, we took some photos, and then literally ran back up the hill to the car. Honestly, I know the sea air makes it colder than it is inland but that was ridiculous, it felt quite Baltic.
8am wasn’t too far off though, so soon we went for breakfast. Good ol’ Spoons. Or not, honestly, breakfast at Wetherspoons lately has gone down so much. Supermarket cafes are easily outdoing them. Sorry ‘Spoons! Still, can’t complain. Breakfast is breakfast and we needed to eat.
It was after that, however, that Hannah and I got our step count up and Matthew got his much needed nap in the car. Hannah and I took Reuben in the pram along the promenade as far as we could walk on South Beach. It was really nice. The skies started clearing and it got a little warmer. And it was during this walk that I had my first of two epiphanies of the day:
First of all, that Nana is wherever I want her to be. She’s in my heart, she’s in my head. She is in the memories, the ocean breeze, a warm day, a good cup of tea, a song that I haven’t heard in a while… The people we love and lose never really leave us, because as long as we remember them, they are always, always with us.
The other thing I realised that is, no, I don’t want to live here. I felt like if I moved to the seaside, to the place where all my memories are, that I would feel complete. But being there as a new person, as a mother, I decided that there’s nothing here for me like that. I can get the feeling that I get by the sea at any coastline, looking at any ocean, and to be honest, Bridlington just hurts a bit because of the memories. I think my Nana would understand these feelings.
Anyway, we didn’t stay long after having a fish and chip lunch. Come on, you can’t go to the seaside without going to the chippy, can you? I really liked what we got too. But by 3pm, we were already going home. All knackered.
The rest of the day went kind of sour. A mix of feeling mentally unstable (let’s not mince our words here, I was literally found holding back tears on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t figure out how to make dinner due to mind fog) and being sleep deprived really wasn’t working in my favour. But that’s not what this post is about. And I feel a lot better today. Honestly, my mental health has been rocky lately but I just have to sail through the storm. What matters is that I have such amazing people supporting me through rough tides. I couldn’t be without Matthew or Hannah. I’ve been laughing a lot more lately, I’ve been smiling a lot more too.
Hope you enjoyed my blog post, thank you for reading!
With love, Rebecca ♡