Things Will Change.

Reuben is my little best friend.

He drives me nuts on the regular, but he’s pretty awesome. I’m lucky that he’s well behaved (most of the time) and I know that this could change (he’s only 15 months old) but I appreciate the way he is now.

I try not to look too far forward into the future, and lately, I’ve been trying not to think about the baby he once was. The past has gone, the future isn’t here yet, but the present? That’s very much at my fingertips.

And tonight, Reuben cuddled up to me to watch one of his favourite baby sensory videos after his bath. With his bottle cooling and his sleepsuit soft and snug, I am reminded of his younger days. I’d put baby sensory videos on a lot when he was a baby. They were both easier and harder. It’s relative, I think. For instance, he was much easier to take care of (e.g. no running about after him, and was very content no matter what) but he also had more needs (e.g. Needed more supervision eating, and not to mention endless bottles… And endless bottle washing). Anyway, the video in particular, sent me hurtling into a nostalgia that is almost too bittersweet.

I often forget though, that these days are special too. He’s not as small as he used to be, but he’s smaller than he’s gonna be. I have a toddler. A toddler that will turn into a child. A child that turns into a teenager… Shiver my timbers, that freaks me out. I honestly don’t look ahead like this because it scares the bejesus out of me.

I guess what this post is, is another little reminder to myself to remain grateful for my little boy. Because sure, motherhood feels like I’m being constantly run over by a herd of geese, but you know… There’s moments between getting run over where I’m astounded at how beautiful it is. And I suppose I’m feeling that way now, hence the soppy post.

Lately, I’ve been really focused on creating a better life for my little boy. I’ve been exploring my options to see if returning to work is a viable option. I want to give him more, I want us to have more, I want more as well – I’d be lying if I didn’t say that.

So many changes are coming, I feel them, mainly because I’m making them happen. So keep your eyes peeled because I have a funny feeling *wink wink* things are going to get interesting around here & as usual, I want to blog the journey :).

With love, Rebecca ♡

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New Year, New Chapter

happy new year

Here we are, another year comes to a close & a brand new year begins. I think, personality, there is no better opportunity to feel a sense of renewal in your life.

A lot of people scorn the very idea of making new year’s resolutions. And whilst I’m not screaming “new year, new me”, I really like thinking about what goals I have for the upcoming year as I reflect on the year that has just gone. In fact, I like to try to predict or manifest the changes I’d like to see.

Last year, I knew 2018 would be a year of personal development – and personal development does not come without it’s woes. You don’t grow through things that make you happy, you grow through what you go through. 2018 hasn’t been a bad year, but all the same, it’s pushed me to change.

The year before, I knew would be a year of change and it really was.

But this upcoming year, I don’t feel like there’s anything big happening. There’s things I know I would love to happen, but I haven’t got any “this is the year of” motifs. I just feel a sense of calm.

Now, I’m not saying in psychic! Don’t worry. I just believe in the law of attraction enough to know that you manifest what you’re thinking about. It’s not as fanciful of dreaming up the winning lottery ticket, there’s no instant results, but that subconscious has a secret way of making things go a certain way.

I think 2019 is going to be a steady, calm year. I think big decisions are going to come up though, so we’ll see what happens there. I do think I’ll be moving into a house at some point – and that’s going to be stressful! But that’s the only big thing I can imagine happening next year. If anything, I’m trying to get ahold of the reins in my current life. I did therapy this year but I need to develop the skills I learnt through Cognitive Analytical Therapy. I forget. I don’t make time for myself. I get too stressed, too overwhelmed, too upset too easily. I want to work on that. I want to get the hang of looking after myself. Because where parenting is concerned, I know I’m doing my best to meet all of Reuben’s needs, but I neglect myself all the time. And yes, sometimes it’s because I’m too tired to do something for me, but I know I’d be less tired if I felt looked after. Heaven knows, nobody is looking after me… not on earth, anyway.

Four years ago, I was an insomniac on antidepressants, totally dysfunctional and struggling every single day. I’ve come so far. I don’t allow people to treat me badly. I know the difference between a healthy coping mechanism and an unhealthy one. I am a mummy to a gorgeous little boy. I am stronger, more resilient and very thankful. And when I falter, I don’t falter for too long. I don’t have any dirty little secrets where the shame is eating me alive; I’ve beared them all and it’s been ridiculously hard to, but I did it. I’m at a part of my journey where I no longer define myself as ‘in recovery’. I’m not ‘recovered’ either, I’m still learning, but I’m not defined by who I was then. The version of me that was, feels like an old friend I sometimes think about (and feel sad when I do) but cannot relate to anymore. I have dreams, still. And I hope one day I will love again. But I have plenty of time for that, don’t I? What’s meant to be will be & all that jazz.

Do you have new year’s resolutions? Let me know in the comments below if you do, I’d love to know. Here are mine:

  • Learn to look after myself better (body, spirit & mind).
  • Be more present in my parenting!
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I just want 2019 to be good to me though, I really do. I hope I’m in for some nice surprises, less loneliness & more laughter!

Thank you for reading!
With love, Rebecca ♡