Tonight, as I put Reuben to bed in his own room, I realised how much I have grown as a parent.
I remembered the way I would sleep as close to him as possible when he first entered this world. He would sleep in his moses basket pretty well and it was beside the bed, and you know, if I got any closer I’d be in it. But the point was, I slept so close that I only had to lift my head to check that he was okay. It wasn’t the only way I was a nervous parent. I found everything so confusing and I often watch new mothers in awe that they seemingly had their shit together. I didn’t. At all. And if I ever gave anyone the impression that I had, well I’m sorry but, no – haha – it took months for me to get the hang of going outside.
Fast forward to today and I am far more relaxed. Thank goodness.
I have been a single parent for almost a year now and I am so calm about my parenting methods. And yes, I even have stopped feeling so bad about failing to breastfeed. I don’t think it makes a difference. Like, wait, I know there’s all the benefits of it, but there are so many other factors that matter when it comes to parenting & the way you feed your child is just one. Sure, I’d love to have done it, but I don’t feel guilty for bottle feeding anymore. Literally the worst thing about it was the endless bottle washing and sterilising.
But it’s not just the way I feel calm about my parenting methods. It’s me. One year ago, I had just begun therapy and my head felt like a mess. It’d like to emphasize that this wasn’t related to Reubs, my head was in a PTSD-mess. I felt all kinds of nope. Now that I’m reflecting I realise that I’m not suffering with PTSD like I was.
Ultimately what I’m trying to say is that I think I have really settled into motherhood at this point and I know my own mind when it comes to parenting. And sure, my child is only 1 years old and there’s a lot of hurdles to come but what is the point of worrying about them yet? No, what matters is the present and taking things day by day.
Time goes by too fast. Reuben is nothing like that little squishy newborn in the moses basket anymore, he’s a little chunk (who’s almost half my height may I add!) with the cheekiest personality. The only thing that hasn’t changed is that he’s still my world.
Thank you for reading my post,