So, I feel like I’m trying to overhaul life at the moment. Or rather, me. I’m trying to change myself.
My absence from social media is helping. When I feel like screaming into the void, I can’t, and honestly it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. If you know me, or follow me on social media, you’ll know I was a fan of venting online.
The issue is that it started off as a healthy ‘reaching out for support’ situation and has turned into a massive source of insecurity for me. As supportive as some people are, I feel like I must be coming across on several levels of pathetic. And that’s negative self talk, I know, but I started to feel this resounding “nobody cares” echo in my head.
Anyway, when I started taking taking antidepressants just over a week ago. I knew I didn’t want to broadcast this journey loudly. I knew social media would just make me feel more alone, because I’d see everyone and their families/friends/partners. Comparison and envy would sink in. And I hate feeling like this, I really do, but a break is helping me regain focus.
Eventually, times will change. I’m too busy looking at the next thing I want to be present. There are constant reminders online and since I have got to such a ‘fragile’ state, I think it’s healthy for me to create some distance until I don’t feel like everything is effecting me so much.
How can I possibly ask for more if I don’t appreciate what I have anyway? (I feel like this is an actual quote, if so let me know.)
Today’s been lazy and I didn’t want it to be, but for the most part, Reuben wanted to be held all day and you know what? I couldn’t be bothered to get dressed and put him in the Ergo baby so I didn’t. I’m going to dishes and everything now. It’s funny, everything could wait, and I didn’t have to feel guilty. In about half an hour, the dishes will be done and I’ll go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
And you know what, despite some unsettling side effects, the antidepressants are working well. I’m no longer feeling tearful. They’re working far better than they did back in 2014.
With love, Rebecca ♡